June Self-Improvement Letter 

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“Nice to meet you.”  “Oh, it’s my pleasure,” and then comes the handshake.  Typical isn’t it?  It’s been said that people shake hands in order to show that either one of the shakers, does not have a gun or weapon.  Thank goodness, I’d hate to get shot at a session.  Seriously though, is there more to a handshake than just showing each other we don’t have a gun?  Has the handshake “evolved" into a subconscious message that we wish to display when we shake another’s hand? 

The body is actually always giving off subconscious messages.  The way you stand, the way you sit, the way you speak to others and what you say conveys some type of message about who you are.  When I have a first session with someone, I listen very intently at the words and phrases that my patients use because I know that in our conversation, they will unknowingly say something or several things that are going to tell me exactly what the problem is. 

The Japanese have a system of bowing which is fascinating.  In the Japanese culture, you would bow lower than someone if they “outrank” you or if they are of a higher authority.  This is something consciously known by the members of that society.  The Japanese become uneasy if you are doing business with them and they don’t know your status because they don’t know how much to bow.  Therefore, the custom is to hand each other business cards, and read them in each one’s presence in order to establish the proper respect and of course to know how low to bow.  There is a whole web site I found dedicated to this.  You may find is interesting: www.how-to-bow.com  

A handshake is also an establishment of societal rank, but in our society  it’s more subtle…it’s subconscious.  There are several ways to shake hands.   You can either have your hand on top of the other persons' hand, you can meet the person in the middle, or you can place your hand on the bottom.  Placing your hand on top is a display of authority and one that says to the other, “I am confident and/or I am higher in rank, position, authority or knowledge,” depending on the case.  If your hand ends up in the middle then you’ve met the person halfway and most likely consider yourself  equal to him/her.  If your hand ends up on the bottom then you may feel intimidation, fear, respect or lack of confidence around that person.  Remember, this is all perceived on a subconscious level and most people that you meet have no idea that this is going on. 

Grip is also an indication of confidence or lack thereof in a handshake.  If the grip is firm it displays a confidence, if it’s soft, it displays a weakness.  Interestingly enough if it’s excessively firm it says that the person wants to control you (because they are controlling) or feels intimidated in some way by you and has the desire to control you because of the intimidation they feel.  

Pulling or pushing.  If a person pulls you closer to them when handshaking, it gives off the message that they don't mind you being in their space and may just want to get to know you better.  It may also say, I want you in my life.  They may be very warm people and may talk about themselves openly.  If they push you away it's because they feel their space has been violated or may feel an intimidation and would most likely want to keep a distance until they get to know you better.  

Having this knowledge.... you can use it to your advantage.  If you feel that you lack confidence around some people you can make your grip a bit firmer and meet the other hand shaker half way if you are usually on the bottom.  If you’re excessive with your grip, you may want to ease up so that the other does not feel intimidated.  If you have confidence in the presence of someone in particular and feel that you want to give them respect (like a religious figure, policeman etc.) you may want to willingly place your hand under theirs so that the other feels more at ease (especially if they display lack of confidence)  meeting the other person at a level that's comfortable for them.

As we get older and wiser, we may feel that we gain more knowledge and insight not only about others, but ourselves and how we display subconscious information through handshaking and how we let others into our space.  The important thing is to be aware.  You know while driving the other day, I was thinking about getting older and wondered if there is anything that we could do on a subconscious level in order to make the transition to getting older smoother.   I firmly believe that we can positively affect the aging process with our minds by using….. (more on this in the next issue)

What are your thoughts on aging?  How do you feel it's supposed to be and can we do anything about it?  Are you scared?  Do you worry?  Talk about it www.blog.improveyourselfhere.com  

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